One of the most challenging transitions for any relationship, whether with a friend, family member, or coworker, occurs when someone shifts what you can expect from them. 

Maybe you or they have outgrown an activity you enjoyed together. Perhaps you or they have experienced an illness, move, or promotion that makes the status quo unsustainable. Maybe you’ve just gone in different directions. Whatever the reason, the change can be difficult to navigate. Where does it leave you? Do you even want the relationship now? How do you know?

It’s so easy to take a relationship for granted, isn’t it? We assume we will always be connected. Truth be told, people change. Of course they do, and it often takes time to even realize this has happened, even if it’s you who’s changed! Sometimes it’s by choice. Other times, it’s not. 

When this happens, here’s our saving grace: we have the power to choose how we move forward once we can see the reality of the change and accept it. 

I’ve coached clients who gladly accepted a promotion only to discover the coworkers they knew to be friends, often for years, were suddenly more distant and no longer available in the way they had been. I’ve supported friends whose family members became ill and could no longer participate in the activities they used to enjoy together. I’ve experienced losing closeness in relationships because of conflicts in values or priorities. 

Let’s get real – this can be tough. Whether you’re the one who changes, or it’s the other person, letting go of what was brings grief with it. Being able to see and accept the change is the first step. 

I’m sure you’ve heard of the grief cycle elements – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. This process ultimately leads us to one outcome – we must also change. Whenever one person shifts, the relationship dynamic shifts. We either find a way to create something new, or we hit a wall that can leave us feeling empty and creates conflict within the relationship. Sometimes the relationship ends.

So, what to do? In my humble opinion, we must do the work to see the reality, drop our previous expectations, and be open to how we are being asked to grow and change ourselves. Only through this kind of conscious self-reflection and honest communication with the other person can we navigate these situations and move into a renewed relationship. Both people need to be willing to go through this process individually and together. One of the most frustrating and sad things to experience is trying to save or sustain a relationship alone. And it doesn’t work. 

Sometimes the change is nonnegotiable. When someone is promoted and becomes your boss, there is a shift in the power dynamic. When you become a leader or other authority figure, relationships change. The author, Maya Angelou, once said, “Only equals can be friends.” I have found this to be true. You can be friendly and respectful, and value and appreciate each other, but real friends? I don’t think so.

Given all this, I share three suggestions:

  1. Be honest with yourself. What do you really feel? What are your needs? What do you really want? Can you be yourself in the relationship? 
  2. Set a time when you can connect with the other person and share what you’re experiencing in a kind and compassionate way. Make sure they know what you’d like to talk about so they aren’t blindsided. Take responsibility for your feelings and experience and listen to theirs. Set any judgmentalism aside. 
  3. Explore what you can create now. How can you shift your expectations and create a relationship in which each person feels seen and heard and can show up authentically?

I’m not suggesting this is a magic pill. It isn’t. It takes skill and courage to approach these conversations. And love – lots of love. If you’re willing, the result can be a deeper connection. Because people do change. That includes you.

Working through change isn’t easy or quick. It’s often messy and asks a lot from us, including a willingness to be emotionally vulnerable. If you’re facing a change in a relationship, you do have a choice in how you approach it and, no matter the outcome, you can be the better for it.