In our culture, we are often told to buck up and push forward, even when we have difficult experiences. We’re encouraged to toughen up, keep going and let whatever happened roll off our backs, even if we’re sad, angry or afraid. No reason to wallow in the negative, right? Okay, I get it. Here’s the thing though – these prescriptions are not the first step.

The first step is to acknowledge and feel the emotion our body is experiencing, even if our mind tells us to discount it. Even if our mind wants to justify whatever caused it. Even if we’re not sure why we’re feeling what we’re feeling. The fact is, the emotion is there, and the only healthy thing to do is to be with it and let the energy move through.

I know this can sound counterintuitive. I was certainly trained to dismiss my emotions. To be rational! I’ve learned that doing that is actually harmful to our bodies, our minds and our hearts. In truth, when we stuff or block the emotional signals our body is sending, that’s not only destructive to ourselves but often to the people around us. Over time, these unprocessed emotions result in stress, overwhelm, burnout, and other physical conditions that impact our friends, families, coworkers, employees, and anyone else we connect with. 

As a leader, speaker, manager – whatever your role — you bring the energy of these emotions into your world, and that is what your teams and audiences are experiencing, even when you’re not aware of it. 

Difficult emotions are signals from our system that we need to pay attention and possibly take some form of action. If you’re feeling angry, perhaps a boundary has been crossed. If you’re feeling sad, perhaps you are experiencing unprocessed grief. If you’re feeling afraid, you might feel anxious about something coming up. You don’t even need to know the cause immediately, and it doesn’t have to be accurate. The simplest thing can happen and create an uncomfortable emotion. 

Some of the emotions you experience have been buried for a long time. You hear a song and, boom, you’re crying or angry or something else. That’s okay! You’re human. Staying out of the story your mind creates about it, out of blame and judgment of yourself or someone else, is helpful! This doesn’t mean whatever caused that emotion is acceptable, only that allowing the emotion to move through is the best way to the other side. Then you discover what, if any, action you need to take.

When we’re experiencing an uncomfortable emotion, we can feel out of control. I think that’s why we’re so afraid of it. The truth is, if you choose to allow it and let it move through, you’ll survive. Better than survive. You don’t have to do anything in that moment – in fact, it’s better if you don’t. Simply be with it. That’s it. And take care of yourself. Bring in self-compassion as much as you can. 

Get support. It can be extremely helpful, and necessary depending on your situation, to have professional support, or at the very least, a compassionate partner or friend to hear you. Someone who can hold space for you and witness your experience with empathy. No advice necessary. 

Most importantly, don’t neglect your needs. If you’re suffering from depression, anxiety, PTSD, CPTSD, or anything else like this, get support!

Once you’ve allowed the emotional energy to be felt and to complete, those other prescriptions can come into play. You’ll have the clarity to determine if any action is called for, to let go or move on, or whatever. If you don’t know right then, you will later. Step by step.

When you begin practicing this, you’ll find it so much easier to be with someone else who is experiencing difficult emotions. This is so healing for both of you. You know how it feels to have someone be present with you when you’re having a tough time? Imagine what this could mean for the people you work with or live with!

Even though “emotional intelligence” has become a buzzword to some extent, its value is not in dispute. It can sound complicated. It isn’t, really. It starts with becoming aware of your own emotions and allowing yourself to respect and honor them. To feel them and allow them to move through. Feel the feels, my friend.