We each live in our own world, don’t we? Our value systems, beliefs and expectations give us incredibly individual perspectives, even when we’re having the same real-time experience.

So, when our perspectives align well enough and we find agreement or resonance with someone, that feels great! When they don’t, that can trigger all kinds of communication challenges. It’s a fact of our humanity. What do we do?

Pay attention to the quality of our communication.

No matter what or how we’re communicating — email, video, text, phone, in person or virtually — it’s the quality of our communication that comes across. This has everything to do with whether or not we have a positive outcome.

 The quality of our communication comes down to two fundamental things — authentic intention and skillful action.  

Authentic intention. What do we intend for ourselves and others? We all want to be understood and accepted. We want to feel safe and secure expressing ourselves — to trust the other person will listen to us with respect, kindness and consideration. This encourages us to show up authentically and with greater vulnerability. Creating a space where each person can show up authentically enhances communication.

Skillful action supports authentic intention. Becoming aware of how to encourage clear and respectful communication, and what we might do to inhibit it, gives us greater confidence and increases our ability to respond with kindness and consideration.

 The key to authentic communication is empathy. Emotion researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking, feeling or experiencing. It’s how we respond to another — by bringing compassion and understanding.

 When we bring empathy into our communication, things tend to go better. This doesn’t mean we will necessarily agree with another — only that we can feel secure in expressing ourselves without fear of condemnation or judgment.

Empathy starts with self-empathy. Giving yourself empathy opens the door for empathy and compassion for others.

I dare say empathy is the strongest, most powerful tool we have. It opens our hearts and brings with it kindness, consideration and caring. Empathy creates that safe space for us to communicate and get things done!

Create an empathetic, safe space for authentic communication by listening actively and deeply. Listening takes energy. It’s a decision to put your own concerns aside for a time and be fully present to someone else. This is how we show a sincere desire to better understand what someone else is experiencing. Soft eye contact, authentic smiling, open body language, asking questions, and reflecting back what you hear are all ways to signal you are actively listening. These actions calm the nervous system and ignite oxytocin, the trust chemical. Guess what happens in your conversations, emails, phone calls, in-person or virtual meetings? You connect more positively and create deeper understanding. The byproduct is often each person leaves the conversation feeling happier!

Not one of us will do this perfectly or all the time. We forget. We get into our own stuff. We resort to our own long-standing mental habits. Placing our intention front and center helps. That, and developing our mental, emotional and spiritual capacity, opens that door to authentic communication.