How much of your life is guided by “want-to’s” and how much by “have-to’s?” Do you feel at choice about how you spend your time, energy, and resources, or are you living by rules you’ve either consciously or unconsciously chosen, or have been chosen for you? Are they working for you?

While all of us have chosen to take on certain responsibilities, be they work, family, or otherwise, we have much more choice in how we engage our worlds than we think. Yet, with all the information available to us today, it’s easy to take on certain “have-to’s” without even realizing it, like: 

“I have to be available 24/7 at work to get ahead.”

“I have to walk 10,000 steps a day to be healthy.”

“I have to make sure I’m emotionally available to my family whenever they need me.”

We can hear, read, or view something, and without even pausing to consider whether it’s right for us, adopt it as truth. We make it a rule. 

Can you relate? I can.

I’ve certainly bought into the 10,000 step thing. I rarely make it, and then I feel guilty. So, what’s better for my health? Walking 5,000 steps and feeling good about it? Or not walking that far and feeling guilty? I vote for door number one.

I realize that when your supervisor gives you a “have-to,” you might not think you have a choice. Maybe you don’t. The question is not whether we ever do things we’d rather not, but how much of our time, energy, and resources we devote to those. If most of your choices reflect “have-to’s” instead of “want-to’s,” you could be heading for a crash. The good news is, you can always make a different choice.

So, how do you decide what’s right for you? I’ll share my thoughts, however, what’s important is that you be your own authority. Taking a few moments to connect with your authentic self – body, mind, and spirit — to reflect on whether that “rule” is really right for you is key. Here are a few things to consider:

  1. You take a podcaster or social media expert’s solution as the answer for you. Even if it sounds really good, it could be a mistake. It might be perfect for them, but not for you. Ask yourself, does trying this solution feel peaceful or stressful? If stressful, then probably not.
  2. You take on that additional project, volunteer effort, or family commitment, even if you’re plate is already full. Is that a “want-to” or a “have-to?” Sometimes we engage because it’s important, for whatever reason, to be a part of the effort, even if it’s not our favorite thing to do. That’s okay! Just make sure it’s a conscious choice, or you could end up resenting it (and the people who asked you).
  3. You say yes to a night out with friends or family, even if you’d rather hang around the house and watch a movie. Personally, I would rather have people happy to attend a night out with me than feel obligated. So next time you’re asked, if you don’t want to attend, say no, diplomatically and with gratitude, of course, because it’s wonderful to be included. 

Bottom line: check in with yourself. Trust yourself. Know that choosing “want-to’s” most of the time will lead to greater peace, health, and happiness, which is good for everyone!

It’s not always easy to know what you really want. We often function from unconscious rules and conditioning. That’s why it’s so important to do the work to “know yourself,” and to know you do have a choice, most if not all of the time.